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Sunday, 27 September 2009

Playing matchmaker for your crush

We want to be good friends. We want our friends to be happy, we want the best for them --but sometimes, this leads us to constantly set aside our own wants and needs in our attempts to ensure the happiness of our friends. And this is definitely an admirable trait, but all too often, it backfires on us, becoming resentment or regret that creates tension and wears away at our friendships. So, please:

Do not play matchmaker for your friend and your crush!

I had a very painful falling-out with a formerly close friend of mine, some time ago. When this happened, she revealed that she had feelings for my boyfriend, and had in fact been harboring these feelings toward him even before I started dating him. Eventually, it was just too much for her to see us together and be reminded of her missed opportunity, so she cut off contact. She hasn't spoken to me since.

Now the thing is, if she had just told me that she liked him before we started dating, I would have backed off. I didn't even like him at the time when she began trying to get us together, and it never occurred to me that she might have feelings for him because she was so insistent on getting us together. I dearly wish that I had known earlier, because it absolutely was not worth losing a friend over.

Unfortunately, my boyfriend and I had been dating for 5 years before she confessed this to us; and by that point, we had moved well past the stage where I could step aside and let her have her chance. If I could go back in time though, I would gladly let her ask him out first --maybe he still would've said no, but at least that missed opportunity wouldn't have festered away at our friendship.

You may think that you're doing your friend a favor, and that you're doing the selfless thing by ignoring your own feelings. But this only works for as long as you can ignore your feelings --and if those feelings don't go away, it ends up screwing up your friendship. I still miss my friend terribly, and it ended up hurting me far more than if she'd just told me the truth from the beginning.
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Have you ever regretted setting up a crush with someone else?

Saturday, 05 September 2009

Asian girls --the "last stop"?

From the book Middlesex, by Jeffrey Eugenides.

"I thought you were gay when we met...I'm always suspicious, being the last stop."

"The last what?"

"Haven't you ever heard of that? Asian chicks are the last stop. If a guy's in the closet, he goes for an Asian because their bodies are more like boys."
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Clearly, Mr. Eugenides does not know the same Asians that I do. I've never heard of this before, so I'm just curious --have you heard of this phenomenon before? How true do you think it is?

Sunday, 23 August 2009

Balls of Steel: the Bunny Boiler

There's a post on Datingish from a girl who is (understandably) pissed about somebody hitting on her boyfriend in front of her. It reminded me of the "Bunny Boiler" episodes from the TV show, Balls of Steel. I don't actually watch the series, but I came across a video online once. In it, a very attractive actress targets and then proceeds to hit on a guy right in front of his girlfriend.

Bunny Boiler At Coffee Shop - More amazing videos are a click away

The videos have always made me highly uncomfortable. I always wonder --where is the guy's sense of loyalty? Why does he show such disrespect for his girlfriend? Of course, I realize that any instances where the actress is rebuffed are unlikely to be aired, so hopefully this isn't representative.

In that Datingish post, the user asks if she should have confronted the girl hitting on her boyfriend. In my opinion though, it is the boyfriend's responsibility in such a situation to make it clear that he's taken and uninterested (or vice versa, if it were a guy hitting on another guy's girlfriend). The girl shouldn't have to purposely engage in PDA with her boyfriend or otherwise "mark her territory", and she certainly shouldn't have to be the one to stand up to the other woman. If the other woman persists, then it makes sense for the couple to present a unified front; but I would definitely expect the one being hit on to at least attempt to put a stop to it before their SO had to step in.

If this happened to me, I would be displeased with the other woman, but downright furious with my boyfriend if he didn't even try to turn her down. Harmless flirting is one thing --after all, it's certainly flattering to be approached by an attractive person, and if my boyfriend were to flirt back a little when he was by himself, then fine. I trust him not to take it any further. However, blatant disregard for your SO's feelings is something else altogether-- flirting with someone else when you're on a date is just plain rude. Respect is very important to me in a relationship, and I don't think I could stay with someone who was so disrespectful to me.

If an attractive person began hitting on you while you were on a date with someone else, how would you respond?

Monday, 17 August 2009

It's ok to try and change your SO

Image from www.dailymail.co.uk

There's a lot of talk about how you should accept your partner exactly as he is and not try to change him. How you should love him flaws and all, and if you try to change him you're being selfish and/or should just find somebody else. I do not completely agree.

I do agree that you should accept your partner exactly as he is. Accept that he has flaws and acknowledge what those flaws are; accept that those flaws may very well be an important part of who he is. If you love him flaws and all, then that's great. However, if your feelings are for the man you hope to change him into and not for the man he is now, there's a problem.

"But I thought you just said it was ok to try and change him?" you ask.

Yes, I did say that. And in my mind, it's perfectly ok to try and change your SO. However, your relationship and feelings must not hinge on the outcome of your attempt.

There's nothing wrong with trying to get your special someone to adopt a healthier lifestyle, for example. Maybe he zones out for hours in front of the TV, noshing on cheetos as he mindlessly watches show after show. This certainly isn't healthy, so what's wrong with encouraging him to be a more active person and eating better?

Or maybe you find that he clams up and stops talking when he's upset, walking away from fights instead of resolving them. This lack of communication isn't any good for your relationship, since it creates resentment on both sides and you never really get to hear his side of the story until weeks later. So what's wrong with trying to change his habits and open up to you a little more?

Nothing's wrong with it --the changes you're trying to bring about are ones that are beneficial to your partner and your relationship. There's no benefit to a static relationship; you want one that grows and changes for the better. Why not take a hand in directing these changes?

The key is that you have to be satisfied and happy with your relationship as it is, even if he never learns to put his dirty socks in the hamper or she eats in bed and leaves crumbs on the pillow. When you try to change the other person, it's about trying to make a great thing even better -- not about trying to bring something up to snuff. So go ahead, try to change your partner. But make sure you don't mind if you fail.

Saturday, 08 August 2009

Opposite-sex friends

Note: For the sake of avoiding annoying pronoun confusion, I'm going to write this as if it's about a straight male, his long-term girlfriend, and his female friends. Feel free to change it to girl/boyfriend/guy friends, girl/girlfriend/gal friends, husband/wife/female friends, guy/boyfriend/guy friends, etc.--the principle is the same.
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Don't take the pic too seriously, it's mostly tongue-in-cheek.

When you're single, you might have a wide variety of opposite sex friends, ranging from the purely platonic "she's like my sister" friend to the infamous "friend with benefits". Once you're in a serious, committed relationship though, I believe that the nature of your opposite-sex friendships should also change. This is how I view some of the more common opposite-sex relationships.

Acceptable --The underlining theme in acceptable opposite-sex friendships is that your girlfriend is positively involved to some extent, and there are no romantic feelings (requited or otherwise) between you and the friend in question.

1. The mutual friend. This girl either was already friends with both you and your girlfriend before you started dating, or became friends with both of you. In any case, she is as close or nearly as close to your girlfriend as she is to you.

2a. The friendly acquaintance, version 1. You've introduced her to your girlfriend, and they get along pretty well even if they didn't really click enough to become friends.

2b. The friendly acquaintance, version 2. Due to circumstances out of your control (e.g. LDRs), this girl has never actually met your girlfriend face to face. However, they both know a lot about each other (thanks to conversations they each have with you, hint hint) and have no objections.

Borderline --These are usually relationships in the midst of transitioning into acceptable or unacceptable friendships. They're a little discomfiting to your girlfriend, but not so much that you can't work on them to make them acceptable; however, they will probably slide into the unacceptable category if you don't address any problems early on.

1. She's got a crush on you. You look at her as a sister and couldn't imagine ever seeing her otherwise, but she has a little bit of a crush on you and it shows. If you lead her on, this could easily become a real issue for you and your girlfriend. However, if you make it super clear that your girlfriend is here to stay, hopefully you can nip this crush in the bud and go back to an easy platonic friendship.

2a. The ex --from a friendly, mutual breakup. You tried dating but it didn't work, so you both agreed to go back to just friends with no lingering feelings on either of your parts. Your girlfriend's uncomfortable at first because it's your ex, but introduce them and make sure they know about their respective roles in your life. If they hit it off, you're all set; even if they don't, you should be able to bring this to friendly acquaintance level without too much trouble.

2b. The ex --that you dumped. You like her enough as a person that you wanted to stay friends even after you ended things romantically, but she still wants you back. I'd back off on this one --no need to cut ties altogether, but definitely avoid the long midnight chats and hanging out with just the two of you. When/if the ex gets over you and accepts your girlfriend's place in your life, you can try to start over as friends.

Unacceptable --The main thing here is that your girlfriend isn't involved in any of these friendships, unless it's in a negative manner. Maintaining these relationships is incredibly disrespectful to your girlfriend. Some can be salvaged into more acceptable friendships, but others just need to be dropped.

1. The ex --that you want back. This really should be obvious, so I'll be brief --if you still want her back, you shouldn't even be with your current girlfriend. End of story.

2a. Girlfriend? What girlfriend? Every close friend you have, regardless of gender, should know that you have a girlfriend. You don't have to blather on and on about it or swear off singular pronouns for the rest of your life, but friends generally know the important parts of your life. Your girlfriend is presumably an important part of your life, so why does this friend not know that she exists? Fortunately, this is easily remedied.

2b. Gal pal? What gal pal? Conversely, your friends are presumably an important part of your life as well, so your girlfriend should at least vaguely know about all of your friends even if she doesn't become buddies with them. Friends that you deliberately hide from your girlfriend are rather suspicious --why are you hiding them? Again, this is an easy one to fix.

3. She doesn't like your girlfriend ...and makes no attempt to get along with her. If you're serious about your girlfriend, you should be willing to defend her, even/especially to your friends. True, your significant other should never force you to choose between her or your friends --but your true friends will never force you to make that choice either, and that's what this gal pal is doing. You can work on this for awhile, but at some point, you're going to have to put your girlfriend's feelings before this girl.
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To sum up, the most important thing is that your SO and your friends know about and get along with each other. I don't want you to think that you should bring a list of all your friends for your girlfriend to check off/approve, since that would be too controlling and definitely unhealthy. Instead, most of your friends should ease into the acceptable category quite naturally when you're serious about someone; if they don't, maybe it's time to rethink either your friendships or your relationship.

What do you think about opposite-sex friends? Do you agree or disagree?